Do you ever open your agenda to schedule something (assuming you're old school like me and not all fancy-like using your new iphone calendar or whatever) and have a slight panic attack when you realize what day... okay, we're being honest, what month it is?
I feel as though 2016 began so slow... I was just sorting out some dairy and sleep issues with our little man and my exhausted self was feeling as though the days were long (and the nights VERY short). And then, in the blink of an eye, things started to move at warp-speed. Without any notice life just kicked into high-gear. The kids were happier but it felt like my hours with them were so much less. I guess sleep takes more time than we realize. Then my time was up. My year off was gone and I was thrust back into working-mom life.
I was anxious about my return to work but not the same way I had been last time. It felt similar but so different. Harder.
I left my crying babies day after day until the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months. Until there were no more tears as we all resigned ourselves to this new "normal".
Normal. I'm not even sure it feels that way even now, months later.
"You'll find your groove". That's what people kept telling me. It's what they keep telling me.
I'm still scrambling to get dinner on the table. I'm still feeling like life is a perpetual rush of trying to do far more things than are humanly possible in the hours we have awake. I stay up longer to accomplish more things and easily regret it the next morning.
So I let go. I let go of some of the things that consume some of the precious hours, some of the things that seemed to be less of a priority... but I miss them, those things left by the way side. This place, this blog and the people who have followed along from the beginning or who stumbled here by accident along their way and just happened to stay.
I'm still in a strange place, feeling torn between longing to share it all and feeling overly exposed and vulnerable. I still don't know how to reconcile that. I still don't know where I'll land or if whatever I decide makes a difference anyways.
But here I sit, typing again, not making much sense but at it nonetheless. Here because I want to be but glancing at the clock knowing I'm going to need an extra coffee tomorrow and that I could be putting away the dishes, washing the floors or folding laundry... but still HERE.
This place was the thing I needed to let go of because it felt like so much work, more of a commitment than I could continue to oblige myself to but I have never really been ready to just say goodbye. I haven't figured out what this place should look like, what I truly want to do here... I just know I need to be here. Whatever that means.
Clearly 2016 was not "the year of the blog" lol and I'll hazard a guess and suggest that nor will be 2017 but I'm hoping to try and get a little more organized, a little more focused or at least figure out what purpose this place serves in my life and what efforts I can continue to devote to it.
While I sort myself out over here I just want to say THANK YOU. Thank you so much for those who continue to inspire me and check back to see what I've been up to. I cannot express enough gratitude for the people I've met through blogging. Especially my Blended Blog ladies who I can't wait to meet up with in May!!!
HAPPY NEW YEAR! I hope 2017 brings you all you ever dreamed of and then some, I hope whatever journey you're on, you find whatever it is you're looking for and I hope you all are surrounded by happiness and love.
Cheers to a new and amazing year.