Monday, November 14, 2016

I have opened up the "write post" window more times than I can count.

I have sat many times, with tired eyes, staring at a big blank box while the cursor blinked repeatedly reminding me of all the words that weren't being typed.

I have thought a lot about this place, this space where I've shared quite a bit of my life and all the people I've shared it with.

But I haven't written. Not much anyways.

I don't have a great excuse. There's be no traumatic event to rationalize my absence. No justification for all the comments that have gone without a response and no good defense for all of the posts I haven't read.

I'm at a crux of sorts and I really don't know what that means or what things will look like on the other side... or IF there is an other side for that matter.

All I know is that, for no good reason, I found myself reflecting on all I have shared, the stories, the pictures and so many fairly personal aspects of my life and I felt naked, exposed. I've received criticism, we all have, but this is different. This is the vulnerability that's always existed but only recently come to the forefront of my awareness and truthfully, it has silenced me.

That and life is busy as all get out.

Am I doing the wrong thing sharing? Is there a point? At some point in my 'professional' life, will it come back to bite me? Will my children resent that I've shared so many details of their lives? Will I regret writing... will I regret NOT writing?

I don't know. I just don't know.

What I do know is that I've missed this place and these people, the ones who keep coming back even when my voice is lost behind pinterest-friendly graphics and link-laden posts.

The point? I'm still here. I am here wandering around in the in-between. I am trying to navigate this insanely busy life while also sorting out what my life in blog-land might look like. Spoiler alert: I've not yet figured ANY of it out yet.

As I'm writing I'm resisting the strong urge to poll you, to see what you want from me... maybe this was my misstep from the beginning. Maybe trying to do and be all the things the internet tells you to be as a 'blogger' was too much. Maybe I need more time to figure out what this space is for me.. only, it's not like I'm rolling in spare time over here to work through all these things.

Anywho... HI and I'm okay (thank you, to you sweet and kind souls checking on me) I am just in a strange state of figuring out a lot of 'next steps'. I will get there.

In the meantime, treat each other with love and kindness, that's all the world needs right now