#whatmomsgoogle - all the poop

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Welcome back to #whatmomsgoogle where your two resident hot-mess-moms discuss what real moms are googling. We don't always get it right, but we're always real and that's something, right?

First, THANK YOU for all your support for our first post last week. You know what's even more amazing than this new series? YOU GUYS!!!! For real. Before I get all emotional, let's get today's query that is literally a load of crap.

This week's google search:


Motherhood is basically a giant shit-storm right out of the gate. Yes, I said 'shit'. We're gonna have to get over that quick because I can't possibly write 'poop' as many times as this post is going to require it. Moving on...

I was NOT prepared for the level of fecal matter I'd encounter in life prior to having kids. Sure, I knew there would be diapers but I had no idea of the extent it would consume my thoughts, laundry, adult conversations etc.There is just so much poop and for as much poop as there is, there are questions about it.

Enter Google.

Thank the sweet Lord for Google because, for real, my doctor would have fired me if I called the office every time I had a question about my kid's poop. And you'd think it would change after having one child... nope, I still Google'd the shit out of... well... shit, this time around too.

It begins day 1 with your first baby: Ummmmm WHY is my sweet, squishy darling pooping tar that is IMPOSSIBLE to wipe off?? This CAN'T be normal.

Honestly, why isn't there some poop-prep course for moms? I took a class on cloth diapering (which I never ended up doing - fail) but the intricacies of all things that filled said diapers was very neglected.

Sometimes I'm embarrassed by my naivete pre-kids. Shit happens... I learned that one and fast.

I can't even begin to cover all the questions on poop but I think it can be broken down into a few fun-filled categories:


The colors... ya, remember the time you thought poop was brown and only brown? Ha. Right.

Don't even pretend you haven't Google'd a certain color of poop and scrolled through Google images with a dirty diaper in your hand anxiously comparing to see which one is an exact match and then bracing yourself for the worst. Just me? No WAY. I'm confident this is a motherhood rite of passage. check that off the list day 3 and every week thereafter. 

I'm gonna just leave these links here but I warn you, one has cute pics of little cartoon turds and one has pictures of actual poopy diapers but because I'm feeling feisty, I'm not going to tell you which is which *insert maniacle laugh HERE*

Consider this your mommy Russian Roulette. Ya, I love living life on the edge (of sanity) - the adventure never stops folks. It's a crapshoot.


The range here is from water to bricks. Literally. I don't even know what else to say other than I now understand where the term "shitting bricks" comes from. 

On a serious note (because I do that sometimes) if the poop is on either end of the spectrum for too long call your doctor... or built a brick shit house, your call.


Sometimes my kids act like their shit don't stink but you know what? It does. A lot.

not smiling because he's being tickled but because I would be gagging in 2.5 seconds. Well-played little man, well-played.

We don't call them little stinkers for nothing. In fact, our daughter's nickname was "stinks" as a baby. Now that I think about it, that seems kind of mean. BUT I have also Googled "why does my toddler's poop smell worse than a grown man" so maybe not completely off on the nickname (sorry sweetie - don't worry, I'll save this for your wedding, love, momma).


My baby hasn't pooped in ___ days, is there something wrong?
My baby poops ___ (enter high number) times a day, is this normal?

I've fretted over tiny poops that seemed to require an exorbitant amount of effort on my little's part and I've also experienced blowouts of the most epic proportions. You know the ones... Like the time little man pooped so much it came out every part of his sleeper. I'm talking legs, arms and neck. That was fun. 

Foreign Objects

Is that a googly eye in your poop? Yes, what goes in MUST come out and guess who gets to find it?

Why on EARTH do little people need to put all the things in their mouths? For real. No matter how full my kids are they still are like ravenous birds pecking at every single bite-sized thing within reach. Oliver looks at any spec on the floor with famished crazy eyes and you can literally see the moment he decides that the spec's forever home is in his little yap.

so happy eating all the things

Sometimes there's poop in poop. Ever had to ask did you eat poop? Mini-me may or may not have thrown something in her mouth with that lightening speed that sneaky babies have and  I'm pretty confident was dog poop. I gagged as I tried to remove it but she swallowed before I could. I will never know what it really was but deep down in my heart of hearts I know it was poop. Of course it was poop. It's always poop.

Bonus Questions:

Is that poop on my shirt? Okay, this wasn't for Google, more my internal dialogue... there are, in fact, somethings Google can't answer. In case your wondering this in no way is referencing the time I went to work with, what I'm still convinced to this day was, poop on shirt. 

Alright, I'm off to Google "why does my toddler poop every time I'm on the computer having coffee" and "is 'spite pooping' a thing?"

The shit storm isn't over folks, run don't walk over to read Abbie's "truth about poop" - happy reading!!

If you're looking for some factual and somewhat educational information on poop Web MD has some good info here.

AND don't forget to come back next week to see how we answer your burning mom questions... or questions about burning something. Whatever.

Click HERE to ask... you know you want to.